Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.

New Scientific Theory~ preposed by Havenite Cheif Petty Officer ********(NAME NOT AVAILABLE, SECURITY CLEARANCE NEEDED.)

When a treecat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its
feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered
side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a 'cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-treecat array" could replace
pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-'cat arrays"
could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking Landing with Saganami Island.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Handy guide to modern warfare

If it's new, ever changing and realy inventive, it's Grayson/Manticorian.
If it just barely behind the the above, yet has more of them, it's Havenite.
If it doesn't work, or the com officer on board is a Commodore, it's the Solarian League.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Three Laws of The the People's Navy under the Committee.

1.You can't win.

2.You can't break even.

3.You can't quit the fight.

Chief "So Mange got a joke for today?"

Mange, <Of course, always. All the new treecat guards were lounging on branches during the royal weading, what was the main topic of conversation?>

"I give, what were they talking about?"

<How much trouble they would get in if they chased the bride's weading dress trail and shreaded it. We treecats are like terrain cats that way we love to practice our hunting skills on long things being pulled.>

"Oh brother! What a mess that would have made!"

<Well Leaf Catcher suggested we would catch more hell than tail, he should know since he knows Soul of Steel very well.>

CPO Poker Mind SOB = Squid On Beach, and Mangy Fur the Smart Alick Spacecat First.

Chief, "OK, Mange, our traditional ending. Shave and a Haircut,"

Mange, "Bleek! Bleek!"

Time for an addaption of an old football joke (thats Soccer to your heathens across the pond)

Slightly adult humour (swear words have been censored though)

After the disasters that have befallen the SLN a major conference of flag officers is conviened aboard the SLN flagship.

Before the conference starts Admiral Kingsford walks onto the flag bridge to find a giant steaming t**d in the middle of the deck.

Storming into the conference room he shouts from the podium "ok admit it, who's s**t on the flag bridge?"

Reluctantly 90% of the gathered officers put their hands up

pokermind wrote:Chief Poker Mind, "So Mange what are you doing with that thick book?"

Spacecat First Mangy Fur, <Translating this calculus book into Base four.>

"Sounds like lots of fun, but I thought calculus was integration and derivatives?"

<It is.>

"So what are you doing?"

<Hurrying so I can start translating Partial Differential Equations into Base four.>

"But, ugh but it's just applied calculus, and you don't really need to translate into base four."

<Shhhh- My publisher doesn't need to know that.>

....
"Crooked darn 'cat!"

<Well at least I'm getting published,> :p
...

As they used to say on Hee-Haw, "Now THAT'S funny!"

Well, Chief, you made it look so easy, let me see if I can refurb an old joke:

A Sollie admiral is coming into the inner solar system onboard his superdreadnought.
The tactical section reports a contact in their path.
The admiral says to order the other ship to change course 15 degrees starboard.
The communications officer sends the message and after a few minutes turns pale when he receives the reply. "Sir! They recommend that we alter course to starboard."
"What! Prepare to record a message."
"Live mike, sir"
"This is Admiral Killjoy aboard SLNS Stokes. I demand that you alter your course."
In a few minutes, the communications officer says, "We have received their reply, sir."
"Put it on screen."
"This is LT Dahlripple. You need to alter course, sir."
"What! See here, I'm an admiral on a superdreadnought. I'm ordering you to alter course."
"Sir, I'm on an asteroid."
The superdreadnought altered course.

ncwolf wrote:Well, Chief, you made it look so easy, let me see if I can refurb an old joke:

A Sollie admiral is coming into the inner solar system onboard his superdreadnought.
The tactical section reports a contact in their path.
The admiral says to order the other ship to change course 15 degrees starboard.
The communications officer sends the message and after a few minutes turns pale when he receives the reply. "Sir! They recommend that we alter course to starboard."
"What! Prepare to record a message."
"Live mike, sir"
"This is Admiral Killjoy aboard SLNS Stokes. I demand that you alter your course."
In a few minutes, the communications officer says, "We have received their reply, sir."
"Put it on screen."
"This is LT Dahlripple. You need to alter course, sir."
"What! See here, I'm an admiral on a superdreadnought. I'm ordering you to alter course."
"Sir, I'm on an asteroid."
The superdreadnought altered course.

If that was a Sollie Admiral, he just might have not altered course.

Hamish was complaining to Emily the other day that he wasn't getting any respect from anyone anymore. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the boss and you're not!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when Hamishg returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After every training mission LAC officers fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the problems encountered with the LAC during the mission that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and
the officers reviews the gripe sheets before the next mission. Never let it be said that crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by LAC officers and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.


(P = The problem logged by the officer.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Beta node #3 almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced Beta node #3.


P: Something loose on tac panel.
S: Something tightened on tac panel.


P: Bow walls in partical cover mode produces an almost complete loss of acceleration
S: Cannot reproduce problem in the LAC Carrier.

P: Evidence of scratch on the right side of Node #5 Forward Ring.
S: Evidence removed.


P: safety locks cause bow wall key panels to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected problem with the fission plant.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 node missing.
S: both #3 nodes, forward and aft, were found after a brief search.

P: LAC handles funny.
S: LAC warned to straighten up, maneuver as per directions, and be serious.

P: Target LIDAR hums.
S: Reprogrammed target LIDAR with lyrics.

P: Mouse on command deck.
S: Treecat installed.

P: Noise coming from under tactical panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Ways to annoy the Honorverse characters

1.hum the Harrington Steading song all the time.

2. Switch around their uniforms. Like takeing Thomas Theisman's uniform and putting it in Honor's closet, don't be sutle, you want them to notice.

3. Take all the celery you can find and secretly slip it in the unknowning pockets of the Havenites.

4. When signing something to you CO (like Honor) draw little smilie faces in the signature place.

5. take all of lester's cigars and put them in Theisman's uniform brest pockets. Watch the hilarity insue.

6. Take at least one of Honor's Grayson style dresses and send it gift wrapped to a havenite of the male sex. Extra points if you send it to Oliver Diamoto or Denis LePic

7. Do Victor Cachat impressions. If you do it in front of Victor, good for you. I'll make the funeral arragements.

8.*only for people who do not command ships in action* Take a white beret and put it on your head, sit down at assigned station and see how long it takes people to notice you.

9. Take a treecat stuffed animal and attach it to your shoulder. feed it celery and call it 'Buggy.'

10. Have Honor's pinnace painted RHN colors.

11. Have Theisman's pinnace painted RMN colors.

12. Go to Church on Grayson and sniker every time you hear the word 'the.'

13. Planking on Lester's flag bridge until you are forceably removed.

14. Sing the Jaws theme song anytime you see someone from the Liberal of Conserative Party.

15. Repaint Honor's/Hamish's room with SLN colors. Drape a Solarian League flag over the bed for good measure.

16. point you left index finger at someone in the tradional 'gun shape' and make 'pew pew' sounds.

17. Put red dye in Honor's pool.

18. Wake up any Grayson with a prank phone call.

19. Walk up to one of the many guards around the queen's palace and say in an offical tone that you need to speak with Her Majesty. Wear important looking clothes.

20. When going to an important meeting with the important HH characters, mismatch. Wear a havenite cap, GSN necktie, RMN tunic, Erewonese trousers, and sneakers. Extra points if you mismatch the rank pins too.

21. When you see a laser pointer jump try to catch it. Explain that your 1/5 treecat.

22. draw a circle around the command chair on Honor's flag bridge and say that you had to mark it off cause it isn't working.

23. Take a fake toy sword and wave it around in Honor's presence. If the armsmen overreact you get extra points.

24. Put on a Grayson baseball cap and be drinking a beer on the bridge when Theisman walks in.

25. Take a sharpie and draw on the bulkheads in everyone's personal quarters and day cabins.

26. Switch book readers around. Give Lester's to Honor and vice versa.

27. If someone has a diary, then take a protion of one and say a quote allowed in his/her presence to see how long they can choke you for.

28. Get a toy model LAC that can at least slide across a table top. During a debriefing take it out and slide it across the table and say, "Go gettem' JayJay H-121!"
If you spill a carafe try to get the water on as many people as possible.

29. act all angery around the Havenites when their treecats are not near, if one asks what wrong mummble and groan before huffing and say, "I don't Pie."

30. If you are of the male sex, approach a Grayson(other than the Alfredo, Warner, and the escapees) and say "I love you" with a really serious face.

31. Make veiled sexaul comments in their presence.

32. Paint a beautiful painting of a RHN vessel and present it to Honor. (If your really daring, you'll paint the Tepes.)

33. Give a SLN uniform to Thiesman and say "I tried to get all the blood out, but this'll have to do." Look around as if someone was following you and rush off in a different direction.

34. Throw frisbee in a contianed area.
34a. Throw Frisbee at a diplomatic dinner.

35. dress up as a docotr and agrue with Lester about his smoking habits.

36. release a live rabbit in the presence of a bunch of treecats.

That's all I can think of...

AdmiralStarNight wrote:Hamish was complaining to Emily the other day that he wasn't getting any respect from anyone anymore. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the boss and you're not!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when Hamishg returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Which wife?

Or does it matter?

(Witch wife?)