Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.

Michael Everett wrote:Okay, let me try a few light-panel jokes...

How many Sollies does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Why should we use a light-panel? Our bulbs are the finest in the universe!"

How many Peeps does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Being able to change a light-panel is a sign of elitism! Shoot him!"

How many Sillies does it take to change a Light-panel?
"None! If it's dark, you can't see them stealing your stuff!"

How many Manties does it take to change a Light-panel?
"First we have to come up with something better to replace it with..."

How many Graysons does it take to change a Light-panel?
"One, by the grace of the Tester!"

How many Masadans does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Light-panels are a technological abomination against God and we'll kill anyone who disagrees!"

How many Mesans does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Mesan's don't change panels, we have specialist slaves for that!"

How many Alignment Operatives does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Well, first we need to whip up some bio-nanotech..."

How many Andermani does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Depends on what you're paying..."

How many Treecats does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Bleek!"

-Edited once for spelling and to include a couple of extra jokes-

Me and my big mouth scared off the only wisecracker to come along in a while. We need fresh talent I keep having to come up with a joke or two a day to keep the topic alive, or are you Honorverse fans so dull you actually dislike humor?



A Midshipman 'Snotty' in Lord Nealson's day.

OK Snotties an other example: The sickest jokes of my misspent past were the Sally Ride jokes, the first teacher in space who blew-up with the Challenger. Here is a rework of sone of them told by Spacecat First Mangy Fur:

<What was stupid Spacecat's last thought before the Super Dreadnought blew-up?>

Passing RMMC Gunny: "Wait for it!"

<What does this button do?>

Another?

<Where did the above Spacecat spend his shore leave?>

Passing RMMC Gunny: "Wait for it!"

<All over Sphinx.>



Come on you other Honorverse wise crackers tell some jokes!

pokermind wrote:

Michael Everett wrote:Okay, let me try a few light-panel jokes...

How many Sollies does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Why should we use a light-panel? Our bulbs are the finest in the universe!"

How many Peeps does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Being able to change a light-panel is a sign of elitism! Shoot him!"

How many Sillies does it take to change a Light-panel?
"None! If it's dark, you can't see them stealing your stuff!"

How many Manties does it take to change a Light-panel?
"First we have to come up with something better to replace it with..."

How many Graysons does it take to change a Light-panel?
"One, by the grace of the Tester!"

How many Masadans does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Light-panels are a technological abomination against God and we'll kill anyone who disagrees!"

How many Mesans does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Mesan's don't change panels, we have specialist slaves for that!"

How many Alignment Operatives does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Well, first we need to whip up some bio-nanotech..."

How many Andermani does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Depends on what you're paying..."

How many Treecats does it take to change a Light-panel?
"Bleek!"

-Edited once for spelling and to include a couple of extra jokes-

Me and my big mouth scared off the only wisecracker to come along in a while. We need fresh talent I keep having to come up with a joke or two a day to keep the topic alive, or are you Honorverse fans so dull you actually dislike humor?



A Midshipman 'Snotty' in Lord Nealson's day.

OK Snotties an other example: The sickest jokes of my misspent past were the Christa McAuliffe jokes, the first teacher in space who blew-up with the Challenger. Here is a rework of some of them told by Spacecat First Mangy Fur:

<What was stupid Spacecat's last thought before the Super Dreadnought blew-up?>

Passing RMMC Gunny: "Wait for it!"

<What does this button do?>

Another?

<Where did the above Spacecat spend his shore leave?>

Passing RMMC Gunny: "Wait for it!"

<All over Sphinx.>



Come on you other Honorverse wise crackers tell some jokes!

I fixed the above as my stroke riddled brain did it too me again, as per following PM:

anwan7 wrote:Sally Ride was the first female US astronaut. The teacher on the Challenger was Christa McAuliffe.

Thanks for the correction anwan7, Chief Poker Mind

pokermind wrote:

Spacekiwi wrote:

pokermind wrote:SPOILER JOKE:



















Knock knock

Mesa, "Who's there?"

Andy

Mesa, "Andy who?"

"Der Andermani Navy, und you are under arrest, mine herrs."

CPO Poker Mind, "Got a better one, post it, and I'll toast it, Prost."

<How many two-legs does it take to mind-talk to the People?>

<All of them and they still can't do it the mind-blind wretches.>

Spacecat First Mangy Fur, "Bleek, bleek, bleek ..."

Did you hear about the treecat interrogator that was arrested for cruel and unusual torture? he had been tying celery to his prisoners and dropping them in a room of treecat kittens. Most of his prisoners came out screaming, and every single one of them had nightmares about vegetables for weeks after....

And then there's the tried and true method the use of the Rauncho-co -Cat-o-matic:

On holoscreans on Manticore a commercial. A treecat RMMC in treecat powered armor uses his vibro-blade claws to turn a head of lettuce and a carrot into coleslaw in a blur of his six limbs.

While the announcer intones in great enthusiasm, "Introducing the newest from Raunch-co the new -Cat-o-matic it slices it dices ..."

Never send in a treekitten to do a treecat marine's work. How many times do I have to tell you officers don't PO mud-marines!

And it makes dettweiler fries?

Spacekiwi wrote:

pokermind wrote:

Spacekiwi wrote:
Did you hear about the treecat interrogator that was arrested for cruel and unusual torture? he had been tying celery to his prisoners and dropping them in a room of treecat kittens. Most of his prisoners came out screaming, and every single one of them had nightmares about vegetables for weeks after....

And then there's the tried and true method the use of the Rauncho-co -Cat-o-matic:

On holoscreans on Manticore a commercial. A treecat RMMC in treecat powered armor uses his vibro-blade claws to turn a head of lettuce and a carrot into coleslaw in a blur of his six limbs.

While the announcer intones in great enthusiasm, "Introducing the newest from Raunch-co the new -Cat-o-matic it slices it dices ..."

Never send in a treekitten to do a treecat marine's work. How many times do I have to tell you officers don't PO mud-marines!

And it makes dettweiler fries?

Probably not, but an enraged treecat marine might turn a Dettweiler into hamburger, and if given some potatos a side of fries. Sorry but you'll have to bring your own coke Spacekiwi. My cannibal friend in college said human tastes like pork, and thus a ham-burger.

CPO Poker Mind SOB = Squid On Beach, and Mangy Fur the Smart Alick Spacecat First.

Me thinks your friend was teling porkies.... oh well...

Chief Poker Mind to Spacekiwi, "My friend claims to have never eaten human meat, but his father had Japanese during WW 2."

Spacecat First Mangy Fur's computer generated voice singing?:

<What'll we do with a drunken spacecat,>
<What'll we do with a drunken spacecat,>
<What'll we do with a drunken spacecat,>
<Earl-aye in the morning?>

<We'll tie his paws spread eagle,>
<We'll tie his paws spread eagle,>
<We'll tie his paws spread eagle,>
<Earl-aye in the morning?>

<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Earl-aye in the morning>

<We'll feed him celery until he bursts,>
<We'll feed him celery until he bursts,>
<We'll feed him celery until he bursts,>
<Earl-aye in the morning?>

<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Earl-aye in the morning>


<Give him all the shrimp and celery egg-rolls he wants,>
<Give him all the shrimp and celery egg-rolls he wants,>
<Give him all the shrimp and celery egg-rolls he wants,>
<Earl-aye in the morning?>

<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Earl-aye in the morning>

<Give him some more shrimp and celery egg-rolls,>
<Give him some more shrimp and celery egg-rolls,>
<Give him some more shrimp and celery egg-rolls,>
<Earl-aye in the morning?>

<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Earl-aye in the morning>

<Give him even more shrimp and celery egg-rolls,>
<Give him even more shrimp and celery egg-rolls,>
<Give him even more shrimp and celery egg-rolls,>
<Earl-aye in the morning?>

<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Earl-aye in the morning>

<Put him in bed with a full belly,>
<Put him in bed with a full belly,>
<Put him in bed with a full belly,>
<Earl-aye in the morning?>

<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Weigh heigh and down the air-duct>
<Earl-aye in the morning>

<That's what we do with a drunken Spacecat,>
<That's what we do with a drunken Spacecat,>
<That's what we do with a drunken Spacecat,>
<Earl-aye in the morning

Chief Poker Mind, "Avast you walking flea circus I'll go check with cookie, just quit singing that song! Good thing he's no good at poker and owes me."

CPO Poker Mind SOB = Squid On Beach, and Mangy Fur the Smart Alick Spacecat First.

<Get extra he owes me too, he has no poker-mind!> "Bleek, bleek, bleek,"

Chief Poker Mind, "Mange how about a treecat joke?"

Mange, <What do you get when you cross a treecat and a sphinxian chipmunk?>

Chief, "I know I'll regret this what?"

Mange, <A fatter treecat.> "Bleek, bleek, bleek,"

"OK you got another?"

<How do hexapumas hunt two-legs on Sphinx?>

"OK, how?"

<They paint their claws red and hide in small trees, stupid two-legs think its a Terran cherry tree.> "Bleek, bleek, bleek,"

"God, Mange that one is as old as the hills and twice as dusty."



CPO Poker Mind SOB = Squid On Beach, and Mangy Fur the Smart Alick Spacecat First.

Mangy Fur's synthesized voice, <Hey Chief, how about a two-leg joke?>

Chief Poker Mind, "OK, man takes his wife to a Terran zoo, and they are in front of the Gorilla cage. You know what a Terran Gorilla is, Mange?"

<A two-leg with proper fur, go on.>

"Well the guy talks his wife into lifting her dress to see what the gorilla does. The gorilla beats his chest and grunts." Chief intakes a breath, "'Hey honey take off your panties and see what he does.' the man asks."
Chief in high foseletto, "'Oh honey some one will come along and see.'" Chief back to normal voice, "He finally talks her into it, and the gorilla is beating his chest and grunting. Then the man throws his wife into the cage saying, 'Now you explain to that son-of-a-bitch that you got a headache!"

Mange, disgust in his computer generated voice,<Are all two-leg jokes about mating?>

CPO Poker Mind SOB = Squid On Beach, and Mangy Fur the Smart Alick Spacecat First.

PS. Mangy Fur has offered to tell any treecat jokes you two legs need told. Here is a graphic for just him:

"Bleek, bleek, bleek,"

WARNING: The following remake of a farmer's daughter joke is on the edge of PG-13 if not slightly over it.

































Chief, "Well Snotties you run the Ole Chief dry of clean ones so I'll demonstrate changing a Farmer's Daughter joke into the Honorverse. For you younger Snotties door to door salesmen were once common, now a rare sight in our society. Ready for the joke?"

After a pause the Chief continues, "Sphinx house of a Yeoman farmer. Farmer to traveling salesman, 'It's too late for you to return to Yalta Crossing, stay here with my youngest daughter there's room in that huge bed.'
"Salesman, 'Are you sure it won't be an imposition?'
"After assurances to the salesman the salesman is undressing for bed when the young farmer's daughter points to his male appendage and asks, 'What is that thing?'
"The salesman not wanting to get into a long discussion of the birds and the bees answers, 'Oh, it's just my pet duck.'
Later that nite the salesman runs screaming from the room his crotch on fire. The farmer asks his daughter what happened, 'Well-, I was petting his pet duck when it spit in my eye, so I broke it's neck, cracked it's eggs, and set it's nest on fire!'"

CPO Poker Mind SOB = Squid On Beach, and Mangy Fur the Smart Alick Spacecat First.

Mange, <Mating again is that all you two-legs think about?>

Chief with a sly wink, "Could be."

PS. Mangy Fur has offered to tell any treecat jokes you two legs need told. Here is a graphic for just him:

"Bleek, bleek, bleek,"

Chief, "Arr- the last joke made it past the censors, I reported the post myself, if they stay they are OK if they disappear then I've crossed the line. Now Snotties you know the difference between a Ferry Tale and a Space Story don't you?"

Mange, <A ferry tale begins 'Once upon a time,'>

Chief. "Avast thar ye six limbed walking flea circus I was a telling them. And a Space Story beigns with 'This is no shit,' see Snotties."

Mange, <Quit with the professing, and start with the jokes already!>

<Oops the Chief went away mad, so I will tell a joke. One of the People you two-legs call Silky-Fur became a psychiatrist. And a two-leg, perhaps a namelessfly from the Baen's Bar came in with a fixation on the two-leg female mammary glands.

<Silky Fur began with a word association test:

<Silky Fur: Namelessfly:
< Tomatoes? Breasts.
< Cantaloupes? Breasts.
< Watermelons? Breasts.
< Windshield Wipers? Breasts.

<Shocked at the last answer, Silky Fur said, 'I have seen two-leg females with tomato sized breasts, even with cantaloupe sized breasts, and I can stretch my imagination to watermelon sized breasts, but how do you get a connection between windshield wipers and female two-leg breasts?'

<Namelessfly puckers his lips and moving his head back and fourth goes, sound of "kiss- kiss- kiss- ..."> "Bleek, bleek, bleek,"

<I still say you two-legs think too much on mating maters.>

CPO Poker Mind SOB = Squid On Beach, and Mangy Fur the Smart Alick Spacecat First.

Chief, "Smart Alick 'Cat!!"

PS. Mangy Fur has offered to tell any treecat jokes you two legs need told. Here is a graphic for just him:

"Bleek, bleek, bleek,"

PSS.In the truth is stranger than fiction category said Namelessfly's latest topic in Free Range Topics:

namelessfly wrote:http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/Moms-Stage-Nurse-In-at-Target-Stores-136305428.html?dr

You all know where I will be this morning.