Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.

As sort of a pep talk for the world during these trying times. A repost . . .


************Honor at the Bat*************
by cthia

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Home Fleet ships that day;
The score stood four to two with but two more fleets to play;
And then when D'Orville died up first and Kuzak did the same
A sickening silence fell on the ships that had remained.
A straggling few rose up to fight but only in despair,
They knew they'd only die, in haughty grandeur there.
Clinging to their stations, hope eternal in the breast;
All we need is Sally—Mander she's our best.
They thought, if only Honor could get but a whack at that,
They'd put up even credits, now, with Honor at the bat.
But Chin preceded Honor in shaping what's at stake,
When Smirnoff's LACs chimed in, holy hell had lit the cake.
Upon that stricken list of ships melancholy sat,
There seemed but little chance of Honor getting to the bat.
But McKeon let rip a single, raised hell in Genevieve's packs
And Alice Truman's Katanas tore the hell outta Haven's LACs.
When debris had shifted, CIC plotted what had occurred
Although plenty was left of Second, just enough was left of Third.
Then from 5,000 throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled in the quadrant, it echoed 'Oh? Do tell.'
A prayer went thru the junction and an answer came at that,
For Honor—mighty Honor, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Honor's manner as she hypered into place;
There was purpose to Honor's bearing, and scorn on Honor's face.
And when she ignored the remnants, of Third Fleet in the realm,
No single spacer could ever doubt, 'twas Honor at the helm.
Thousands counted on her as she wiped her hands like dirt
Had settled between her fingers, but the brass gleamed on her shirt.
While the cocky Genevieve placed hands upon her hips
Defiance gleamed in Honor's eye, a sneer curled Honor's lips.
The enormous salvo shot from the massive pods she'd rolled;
Genevieve said, "No worry, they're too far out I'm told."
But then Chin contemplated 'of all the lunacy in the land,
If Third Fleet was just destroyed, then who was this at hand?'
Close by sturdy Apollo, the missiles unheeded sped –
"They're much too far to reach," said Chin, "Strike One," Honor said.
From the bridges, black with people, there went up a muffled roar;
Like the beating of the bulk-heads on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill her! Kill her Honor!" Shouted someone in the stand.
And it's likely they'd a-killed him had not Honor raised her hand.
With a smile of Tester's author'ty Honor's visage shown;
She stilled the rising tumult; She bade her ship go on.
When comprehension dawned on Chin she threw a mortal fit,
"Eighth Fleet! The Salamander! Hyper Out!" she said, "Oh shit!"
The Salamander didn't linger—turned to tactical and said
"Target that other fleet, fire sixty missiles instead.
By the time they reach them, Strike Two, Fifth will all be dead."
The sneer is gone from Honor's lips as she pounded Fifth to its fate
There's calm and cool on Manticore, no more fighting as of late.
And Tourville's confidence is shaken as Honor lets it go;
His hopes of winning another gone, from the force of Honor's blow.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
Haven came to play with gall—mighty Honor struck them out.

Conversations between Captain and First Officer

"What'll we do if this crafty enemy gets within 1.5M km?"

"Fire my missiles."

"What are you going to do if they get considerably closer than that?"

"Fire my energy weapons."

"And even closer still?"

"Fire my analyst."

Conversations between Captain and First Officer


"Those silly Sollies are still choosing to engage us, Captain."

"They can't see that those cataracts really aren't helping them."

"You mean cataphracts."

"I'm pretty sure I mean cataracts."

Conversations between Captain and First Officer

First Officer sat down inside the adjacent stall in the lavatory, beside his Captain. He looks at the silent text he just received from the bridge, then he flushes.

"Captain, we're about to have another STINKY problem!"

"Oh shit! Not again! Flush the pods!"

"All of them?"

"All of them you idiot!"

. . .


"I just gave the order over the com sir, the missiles are off."

"What missiles!?

"The order to launch at Henke's Fleet, sir."

"I didn't give a fucking order to launch at Henke's Fleet!"

"You just said flush the pods!"

"The sewage pods you idiot! When you said we're about to have another STINKY PROBLEM! I thought you meant the sewage system was gonna flood the ship, AGAIN! ... What's that smell? The sewage?"

"No sir! I just shit my pants! There are 5000 missiles INBOUND!

"I told those idiots at the Admiralty it stinks like shit when they gave me you."

"The crew wants to know what to do about the smell?"

"THE SEWAGE???"

"No sir! They shit their pants too!"

"Why're you smiling, Captain!"

"This is the first time I don't have to worry about wiping my butt since you got here."

Conversations between Captain and First Officer


"Captain, your gut feeling is so acute. I know you and Honor are best friends. Did you learn that gut feeling from her?"

"The only feeling Honor has in her gut is hunger. That makes her a dangerous tactician because she doesn't like being late for dinner."

" " " "

"Is it true she has trouble with math?"

"Nimitz says it's why he chose to bond with her. He knew she wouldn't be able to count the many stalks of celery he'd eat."

Harrington's Memoirs

"Honor, why didn't you speak up about the rape?"

"If I had, Young would have been court martialed and the Navy would have taken care of him. I knew that if I allowed him to slip through the cracks and keep feeding him rope, I'd get to take care of him. It's the grandest strategy I've ever had."


Nimitz' Memoirs

"Nimitz, what is the hardest thing you've ever done?"

<Keeping my composure after Honor killed Pavel Young. She was laughing so hard inside it was all I could do not to join her. Two-leg laughter is contagious>

"Would you have killed Burdette if he'd won?"
<No, his injuries would have killed him>

"Would you have killed Young if he'd succeeded in raping Honor?"

<It's the only time Honor would have beaten me to the mark>


Elizabeth III Memoirs

"Beth, you must have a hell of a taxidermist, considering your legendary temper and habit of having your grudges stuffed and mounted on the wall."

"When my father was grooming me, he said a Queen must have a good tailor to hide the bulges, a good hairdresser to hide the bad hair day and a good taxidermist to hide the object of one's ire."


Mike's Memoirs

"You have to understand, Honor didn't exactly see eye to eye with the Graysons then. The last communiqué I received from her stated that she had to put on a show for the Queen at a State Dinner. I told her to break a leg. Then I received an HD showing of her on the Maccabeus Coup. Clearly the next time I tell her to break a leg, I'll be more explicit."


Hamish's Memoirs

"There's a rumor circulating about that you are making excuses for Janacek's actions."

"I'd like to set the record straight. I merely stated that he might've sustained too many cranial injuries on the gridiron."

"What is your personal opinion of your wife's strategy and tactics?"

"Showing her opponent exactly what they wish to see works flawlessly. Seduces me every time."


Sonja's Memoirs

"Why do you dislike being called Admiral Low Delhi?"

"Honor has a reputation of eating her enemies alive. Low Delhi sounds too much like a sandwich shop."


Shannon's Memoirs

"Why were you called a tac witch?"

"Our tac systems weren't as advanced as the Manties'. I had a reputation of being able to blow up data onscreen. I've always been fond of blowing things up."


Usher's Memoirs

"Kevin, did you really have a drinking problem?"

"Of course I did. How else could I convince anyone that I drank the dead bodies they found under the table?"


Samantha's Memoirs

<Just when Nimitz had convinced me of the joys of "phone sex" he has to go and get himself disconnected>


Treecat Elder's Memoirs

<The two-legs are up against mind control. It stinks worse than a rotten Cat>


Iris Babcock's Memoirs

"I can attest to her kinesthesia. When we were sparring, she always knew when she landed on her ass. She was correct, every single time."


Mistress Thorn's Memoirs

"Exactly how much does Honor eat?"

"When she was a POW in enemy space, we feared she'd starve. Now that she's home, we fear she'll starve."

Conversations between Captain and First Officer

"Admiral Henke, was Honor also a good chess player at Saganami?"

"She didn't play much."

"She didn't? Was she that terrible at it?"

"Nobody wanted to play her. She plays every game like it's a Case Zulu."

"Did you ever play her?"

"Yes, and she always taught me how to walk away from a battle after being eaten alive. It's that damn situational awareness. She stares at the board like it's a hologram. Then she gives orders to her hands."

"Have you ever beaten her?"

"Not even in the bedroom. Guess how hard a Sphinxian can deliver an old-fashioned goose down pillow."

cthia wrote:Conversations between Captain and First Officer

"Admiral Henke, was Honor also a good chess player at Saganami?"

"She didn't play much."

I always pictured her as a Go player.

Conversations between Beth and Honor

Discussing the Harrington Doctrine


"That is a neat trick Honor, and its implications of Lacoon is obvious."

"It's because I'm a great strategist Beth. I'm surprised you've never seen the tablecloth trick."

"I was too young to think of its implications when my father taught it to me. He was a great strategist too. THIS is what he taught me about the MWJ. Waste not, want not."

Conversations between Honor and Nimitz

"Nimitz, you know I have the same unstable reactor beating at my core as my father. If the MA manages to remove a control rod or two and insert their own, I want you to get out of Dodge."

<YOU MEAN YOU WANT ME TO SCRAM? >

Conversations between Honor and Michelle

Honor is finally able to discuss the attempted rape.


"I always knew his dirty tactics would land him in hot water, Honor. And you do like your showers hot!"

"He finally got what he wanted... me on top of him... breathing all HOT and HEAVY... naked and dripping wet... and riding him for all it's worth! AND I LIKED IT!"

"That's why you didn't report it? You felt guilty about enjoying the foreplay."

"Yes."

"Don't sweat it. A girl likes having something Young beneath her!"

<Run Mike Run!>

Conversations between Nimitz and his Investment Banker


"That tip I gave you on celery isn't panning out. Your one Future isn't looking so good."

<Neither is yours>

"I swear, you Treecats are like addicted drug dealers. You eat up your own profit."

Conversations aboard Andermani Ships

Before the ink dries on an alliance.

"You're saying that they're proposing to put us all together like Nitro and Glycerin???"

"Like Graysons and Masadans?"

"Like a Treecat and a Hexapuma?"

"There's going to be a containment failure!"

"Whose lofty idea is this anyway? Houseman's?"

Does anyone know what became of Pokermind? Did the guy pass away?

pushmar wrote:Does anyone know what became of Pokermind? Did the guy pass away?

Wow, he's been gone 3 years... time flies.