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Self proclaimed one-liners

For anyone who might want to have a side conversation...you're welcome here!
Re: Self proclaimed one-liners
Post by cthia   » Thu Aug 28, 2014 3:53 am

cthia
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My 12 yr-old niece to her mother's friend who just served her wholeass of a husband with divorce papers and was in tears ...
People get a divorce because being in love is like being stranded on a row boat in the middle of a river — each with a paddle; the only chance of making it ashore is to row together or knock the hell out of your insignificant other and take his oar.

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Self proclaimed one-liners
Post by Imaginos1892   » Sun Aug 31, 2014 10:42 pm

Imaginos1892
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Location: San Diego, California, USA

Scientists have determined that cats see color, if not quite the way we do. That being true, I have never understood how an orange cat can hunker down in green grass and think he's foolin' anybody.

If you ran a business the way they run the government, you would either be in the poorhouse or jail within six months.

Will Rogers wrote:It's not what you don't know that gets you in trouble; it's what you know that ain't so.
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Re: Self proclaimed one-liners
Post by Hutch   » Tue Sep 02, 2014 10:17 am

Hutch
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Location: Huntsville, Alabama y'all

Probably the one I use here on about half of my posts.

IMHO always. YMMV.

(which, for those that don't read acronyms, is "Im my humble opinion, of course. Your mileage may vary.")
***********************************************
No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There's always a boom tomorrow.

What? Look, somebody's got to have some damn perspective around here! Boom. Sooner or later. BOOM! -LT. Cmdr. Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5
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Re: Self proclaimed one-liners
Post by Imaginos1892   » Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:29 pm

Imaginos1892
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Location: San Diego, California, USA

I used to live on a farm. I know what bullshit smells like.

For those idiots that just SIT there after the light turns:
That's as green as it's gonna get!
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Re: Self proclaimed one-liners
Post by pokermind   » Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:47 pm

pokermind
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Location: Jerome, Idaho, USA

Hmm one of mine on driving among idiots,

That joker must have gotten his license from a cracker Jack box!


Now that I'm legally blind, no longer drive, but as a passenger:

I'm blind. and I could drive better than that joker!


Poker
CPO Poker Mind Image and, Mangy Fur the Smart Alick Spacecat.

"Better to be hung for a hexapuma than a housecat," Com. Pang Yau-pau, ART.
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Re: Self proclaimed one-liners
Post by Imaginos1892   » Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:51 pm

Imaginos1892
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Posts: 1332
Joined: Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:24 pm
Location: San Diego, California, USA

Sloooow drivers:
My grandma drives faster than you and she's been buried for 20 years!

Old slooooooow drivers:
Hey! At your age, you got no time to waste!
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Re: Self proclaimed one-liners
Post by Imaginos1892   » Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:54 pm

Imaginos1892
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Posts: 1332
Joined: Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:24 pm
Location: San Diego, California, USA

Oh! The ones that do something right in front of a sign that says not to do it:
Are you blind, illiterate, or just f---n' STUPID?
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Re: Self proclaimed one-liners
Post by cthia   » Mon Sep 08, 2014 7:12 pm

cthia
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If you are innocent until proven guilty then why are you locked up until proven innocent?

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Self proclaimed one-liners
Post by cthia   » Mon Sep 08, 2014 7:15 pm

cthia
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Posts: 14951
Joined: Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:10 pm

My niece to her mother.
"Tierney, have you seen my keys?"

"Mom, I have as hard a time keeping up with your keys as you do."

I'm still laughing at that one. :lol:

Son, your mother says I have to hang you. Personally I don't think this is a capital offense. But if I don't hang you, she's gonna hang me and frankly, I'm not the one in trouble. —cthia's father. Incident in ? Axiom of Common Sense
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Re: Self proclaimed one-liners
Post by Imaginos1892   » Wed Sep 10, 2014 1:36 am

Imaginos1892
Rear Admiral

Posts: 1332
Joined: Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:24 pm
Location: San Diego, California, USA

A successful compromise is one that pisses everybody off equally.

This country is an ocean liner sinking under the collective weight of the passengers' baggage; but, as the water washes around their legs, each one is grimly determined to fight to the death to prevent any of their own bags from being thrown overboard.
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