Honorverse Humor or lack thereof.

As sort of a pep talk for the world during these trying times. A repost . . .


************Honor at the Bat*************
by cthia

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Home Fleet ships that day;
The score stood four to two with but two more fleets to play;
And then when D'Orville died up first and Kuzak did the same
A sickening silence fell on the ships that had remained.
A straggling few rose up to fight but only in despair,
They knew they'd only die, in haughty grandeur there.
Clinging to their stations, hope eternal in the breast;
All we need is Sally—Mander she's our best.
They thought, if only Honor could get but a whack at that,
They'd put up even credits, now, with Honor at the bat.
But Chin preceded Honor in shaping what's at stake,
When Smirnoff's LACs chimed in, holy hell had lit the cake.
Upon that stricken list of ships melancholy sat,
There seemed but little chance of Honor getting to the bat.
But McKeon let rip a single, raised hell in Genevieve's packs
And Alice Truman's Katanas tore the hell outta Haven's LACs.
When debris had shifted, CIC plotted what had occurred
Although plenty was left of Second, just enough was left of Third.
Then from 5,000 throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled in the quadrant, it echoed 'Oh? Do tell.'
A prayer went thru the junction and an answer came at that,
For Honor—mighty Honor, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Honor's manner as she hypered into place;
There was purpose to Honor's bearing, and scorn on Honor's face.
And when she ignored the remnants, of Third Fleet in the realm,
No single spacer could ever doubt, 'twas Honor at the helm.
Thousands counted on her as she wiped her hands like dirt
Had settled between her fingers, but the brass gleamed on her shirt.
While the cocky Genevieve placed hands upon her hips
Defiance gleamed in Honor's eye, a sneer curled Honor's lips.
The enormous salvo shot from the massive pods she'd rolled;
Genevieve said, "No worry, they're too far out I'm told."
But then Chin contemplated 'of all the lunacy in the land,
If Third Fleet was just destroyed, then who was this at hand?'
Close by sturdy Apollo, the missiles unheeded sped –
"They're much too far to reach," said Chin, "Strike One," Honor said.
From the bridges, black with people, there went up a muffled roar;
Like the beating of the bulk-heads on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill her! Kill her Honor!" Shouted someone in the stand.
And it's likely they'd a-killed him had not Honor raised her hand.
With a smile of Tester's author'ty Honor's visage shown;
She stilled the rising tumult; She bade her ship go on.
When comprehension dawned on Chin she threw a mortal fit,
"Eighth Fleet! The Salamander! Hyper Out!" she said, "Oh shit!"
The Salamander didn't linger—turned to tactical and said
"Target that other fleet, fire sixty missiles instead.
By the time they reach them, Strike Two, Fifth will all be dead."
The sneer is gone from Honor's lips as she pounded Fifth to its fate
There's calm and cool on Manticore, no more fighting as of late.
And Tourville's confidence is shaken as Honor lets it go;
His hopes of winning another gone, from the force of Honor's blow.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
Haven came to play with gall—mighty Honor struck them out.



****** *

What do treecats call an expedition to steal celery?

A celery stalk.

****** *

What do treecats find so tasty about mindglows?
The milk of human kindness.

I guess that's why Pavel Young made them lactose intolerant.

****** *

Right before Stephanie was attacked by a puma, one of her enemies put a Hex on her.

****** *

Note: Climbs Quickly never produced any heirs because he "climes" quickly.

****** *


Honor and Insider Trading

After arriving in the Sol System


"Honor, what are we waiting for?"

"I'm waiting for my personal courier to leave the system. I just sold all of my holdings in the Sol system. This economy is about to tank."

****** *

Enthusiastic conversation between Honor and Dr. Arif

"We've found it Honor we've found it!"

"You've found what Dr. Arif?"

"The missing link between the treecats and Terran cats!"

"How do you know for sure?"

"The Forestry Service found a very large very hairy treecat with very big feet. The treecats are calling him Task-watch!"

"Does he communicate?"

"He only says his name. Me Ow."

****** *

Rumor has it the Alliance almost ended when Beth visited Eloise. Upon seeing her, Beth was taken aback thinking Eloise had been up to her old tricks. But it turned out Eloise's tanning bed had oddly malfunctioned. Those weren't stripes after all!

****** *






The Exchequer

"I want those damn demonstration launches stopped! I can't pull money out of my ass! You know what GDP means to an Exchequer? Gram's Damn Project!"

****** "

Nimitz' table manners has been so classy it is almost sexual. <Me eat you loooong time>

What is the war cry of a Lenny Det?
It's hammer time! Can't see this. Can't touch this!

When history asked the Solarians, "Why couldn't you see the writing on the wall?" The Solarians responded.

"The Manty wall moves too quickly."

****** *

Why is the galaxy still biased against genies?

They shut down the All You Can Eat buffets.

****** *



A real-time Treecat Counter:
"How many of 'em is it! Get 'em off me!"


Memoirs of a retired Exchequer

"At some point, we were borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Hauptman was Peter. Project Gram was Paul.

In fact, most of the Junction's added defense wasn't meant for an enemy trying to transit, it was pointing at freighters trying to skip out on the cab fee.

****** *

You ever seen the fare odometer spinning on a ship transiting the junction? That damn thing will give you a heart attack!

****** *

Wanna know the nickname the MA gave the grasers which destroyed Project Gram? Graham crackers. No outfit can eat just one.

****** *

"Let me up right this instant Hamish! I know she's gone but I just don't think her chair should be used as an amusement "ride."

****** *


"Listen! I just heard it again Beth! Its origin is Crown property!"

"I'll address the planet shortly. The Geologic Survey is quite sure we're not about to suffer a catastrophic earthquake. I just need some way to communicate spiritually with Roger so I can tell him Project Gram isn't really 'Gone to the Peeps.' Maybe then he'll stop all of that incessant spinning in his grave."

Honor keeps getting into trouble every time she goes groundside. She was given a shiny new red Mustang as a gift from Beth, but she can't seem to leave the autopilot engaged.

Mustang Sally, you better slow that Mustang down!

Black Victor's Favorite Prank

Victor and Thandi walk into a bar. Victor called ahead for a Molotov 'Cock Tail.'


"You said she likes gang bangs Cachat!"

"No, I said she likes banging on gangs."



Legend:

Molotov Cock Tail

Thandi drinking alcohol in a sleazy bar.

Twenty or more years into the future when Honor is forced out of retirement by the MA.


"Honor, if you have to put that uniform back on tomorrow, sleep on that side of the bed."

"Why?"

"The last time you woke up on that side of the bed you left for Sol."

"You seem to have both sides of the bed covered. What happens when I wake up in the middle?"

"RA UL."

Junkies are people who have an obsessive dependency on something. The entire HV is dependent on junctions. Junkies.

shubharora734 wrote:I guess quoting Dave's or other authors in the Honorverse's humor in the novels is on topic, but I was hopeing for originality.

I know it is difficult to find something to laugh at during these trying times, but hang in there. Originality has never been my concern, simply humor. Laughter is the true fountain of youth. I don't always succeed at it, but I never fail to get back on the horse. Although I've been known to even make horses laugh (that is an inside joke because a good friend of mine sounds like a horse when she laughs.)

At any rate, be a stand-up guy and give it a go yourself. We can all use a chuckle or three these days. I do hope you find something to smile about in this pandemic, be it original or not.

What exactly are "snotties" who haven't yet graduated, but have survived a battle aboard ship? Boogers?

Captain Mizawa's Wife at Admiral Byng's public elegy, I would like to read a excerpt from an ancient pre-diaspora book: “Arrogance wasn't the same thing as stupidity, but it tended to have similar results.”

cthia wrote:What exactly are "snotties" who haven't yet graduated, but have survived a battle aboard ship? Boogers?

So, if they don't survive they are a loogie?

As sort of a pep talk for the world during these trying times. A repost and slight edit . . .


************Honor at the Bat*************
by cthia

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Home Fleet ships that day;
The score stood four to two, with two more fleets to play;
And then when D'Orville died up first and Kuzak did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the ships that had remained.
A straggling few rose up to fight but only in despair,
They knew they'd only die, in haughty grandeur there.
Clinging to their stations, hope eternal in the breast;
All we need is Sally—Mander she's our best.
They thought, if only Honor could get but a whack at that,
They'd put up even credits, now, with Honor at the bat.
But Chin preceded Honor in shaping what's at stake,
When Smirnoff's LACs chimed in, holy hell had lit the cake.
Upon that stricken list of ships melancholy sat,
There seemed but little chance of Honor getting to the bat.
But McKeon let rip a single, raised hell in Genevieve's packs
And Alice Truman's Katanas tore the hell outta Haven's LACs.
When debris had shifted, CIC plotted what had occurred
Although plenty was left of Second, just enough was left of Third.
Then from 5,000 throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled in the quadrant, it echoed 'Oh? Do tell.'
A prayer went thru the junction and an answer came at that,
For Honor—mighty Honor, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Honor's manner as she hypered into place;
There was purpose to Honor's bearing, and scorn on Honor's face.
And when she ignored the remnants, of Third Fleet in the realm,
No single spacer could ever doubt, 'twas Honor at the helm.
Thousands counted on her as she wiped her hands like dirt
Had settled between her fingers, but the brass gleamed on her shirt.
While the cocky Genevieve placed hands upon her hips
Defiance gleamed in Honor's eye, a sneer curled Honor's lips.
The enormous salvo shot from the massive pods she'd rolled;
Genevieve said, "No worry, they're too far out I'm told."
But then Chin contemplated 'of all the lunacy in the land,
If Third Fleet was just destroyed, then who was this at hand?'
Close by sturdy Apollo, the missiles unheeded sped –
"They're much too far to reach," said Chin, "Strike One," Honor said.
From the bridges, black with people, there went up a muffled roar;
Like the beating of the bulk-heads on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill her! Kill her Honor!" Shouted someone in the stand.
And it's likely they'd a-killed him had not Honor raised her hand.
With a smile of Tester's author'ty Honor's visage shown;
She stilled the rising tumult; She bade her ship go on.
When comprehension dawned on Chin she threw a mortal fit,
"Eighth Fleet! The Salamander! Hyper Out!" she said, "Oh shit!"
The Salamander didn't linger—turned to tactical and said
"Target that other fleet, fire sixty missiles instead.
By the time they reach them, Strike Two, Fifth will all be dead."
The sneer is gone from Honor's lips as she pounded Fifth to its fate
There's calm and cool on Manticore, no more fighting as of late.
And Tourville's confidence is shaken as Honor lets it go;
His hopes of winning another gone, from the force of Honor's blow.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
Haven came to play with gall—mighty Honor struck them out.